5 things that instantly date your home, according to a Gen Z.

"Never start a story by bragging about yourself."

I'm not sure where I first heard that, but it's always been advice I've heeded with such intensity. Life is fleeting, after all, and who wants to be remembered as the a**hole who couldn't stop talking about themself? Certainly not me. 

That is until I became Mamamia's Self-Appointed Home Expert™️. No credentials, if you're wondering. Or nearly enough experience to even make such a claim. I haven't even sought permission from the editors at Mamamia to take on this title.

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All I have going for me at this point is a will, a way and complete devotion to the cause (the "cause" being homes, of course).

And I don't mean to brag when I say this, but I know my s**t. A good home from a bad one. What's stylish and what's not in the world of interior design. Cream paint from eggshell, etc, etc.

Okay, not really. But I like to pretend I know what I'm talking about — from my house recaps to my rental crisis stories. Does that make me an expert, however? Not particularly. But let's carry on anyway.

Behold, here are the five interior design elements you should avoid if you want a truly timeless home, according to me.

1. Wall decals.

Before you put a hit out on me, please listen. 

I LOVE wallpaper. It's removable(ish), fun to experiment with and ultimately can bring joy to a room that would otherwise look and feel a little stale. But wall decals? Oh, they're hideous. And they lift paint off the wall and they're tacky and I hate them.

I've seen plenty of tastefully done wall decal designs, by the way. Hell, I helped my cousin stick them all around her baby's nursery until there was barely any wall left a few years back. But, for the most part, I find them to lack any actual originality, which sort of defies the entire purpose, don't ya reckon?

Anyway, I know I'm a bad person. My bedroom isn't even that nice. I just like to hate on things I don't understand — and I'll never understand decals.

No offence little girl, but ur bedroom is ugly. Image: Getty.

2. Green or blue kitchens.

Sorry not sorry. Of course, I want my very own crayola-coloured kitchen. I have a Pinterest account too, guys. But I know better, because 'ick green' and 'bland blue' are not at all timeless. Actually, they're about as trendy as one can get when it comes to cabinet colour choices — and trendy ain't timeless.

A classic example is Dakota Johnson's kitchen (sorry!).

Dakota Johnson in her... very green kitchen! Image: Architectural Digest.

I have a friend who has painted their kitchen a deep olive green and it is indeed beautiful, but we've spoken at length about the longevity of the sickly ripe-looking shade that makes their tiny place feel all that much tinier. They, to be fair, have argued that there actually is NO longevity to the shade, but have accepted that true contentment in the home requires following one's heart, and one day, they'll just have to paint their kitchen cabinets another colour.

There's a lesson in this somewhere, but I'm going to keep pretending I'm right. 

3. Boring couches. 

I have to hold my eyeballs in place when I walk into a house and see another boring couch in another boring colour with boring pillows and a boring throw blanket and boring people sitting on it. 

Okay, I'll calm down. I don't even mean that, really. Boring couches have defined the 21st century, but it's gone on for far too long now.

This is literally my old boring couch. Image: Supplied.

I miss the ugly red leather couches. The recliner sofas in all their hideous glory. I'm so sick of boring aesthetics. I want to indulge in a nice, comfortable, overbearing armchair from time to time. Let's all collectively get rid of our hard and boxy couches together. Or donate them or something. Either way, I don't want to see them anymore!

4. Chandeliers. 

IDK why chandeliers p**s me off so badly.

LIKE, WHY ARE YOU HERE??? Taking up all the space in the room like that???

Because nothing says sophistication like letting a glass basketball take up all the space, right? Because functionality doesn't matter, right? Because a dazzling entrance will definitely get you laid, right?

Like I said, I couldn't explain it to you all if I tried but I stand by whatever argument it is that I'm trying to make. Chandeliers are ugly and we should all have normal light bulbs. 

Below is an example of what not to do with lighting options, from Winnie Harlow's Architectural Digest tour (if your eyes can stand it).

That chandelier is blasphemous. Image: AD.

5. Anything animal print. Throw it out. Immediately. 

It's time to bid farewell to the design trends that our grandparents thought were cool. 

I love animals. I love animal lovers. I don't love animal print lovers.

Actually, I would go as far as to say that I despise them because zebra rugs, cow-patterned wallpaper and leopard print throw pillows are no longer something I'll accept. Let's look at David Harbour and Lily Allen's late-19th-century brownstone in Brooklyn, New York as an example. This monstrosity is their chill-out room. And I must say, I am appalled.

Like, come on... Image: Architectural Digest. 

Because while I hate to be cruel, I know that no one else will be. Please know that I say this with love: animal print is bad.

And in 2024, we can do better. 

Feature Image: Architectural Digest.